Is This Codependency? Monkeys On Your Back

Is This Codependency? Monkeys On Your Back is all about responsibilities, codependency, assertive communication and “I” messages. Oh, and of course, it’s also about monkeys! I loved using imagery when I explained and discussed concepts with my former clients. Probably because I am such a right-brain dominant person, I often found it easier to understand ideas and problems and behaviors and possibilities (well…just about everything) if I could attach an image to it. There’s nothing quite like an “a-ha” moment in a right-brain dominant person’s day!

We All Have Monkeys

We all have responsibilities in this life of ours. Responsibilities for caring for ourselves…for our physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and financial health. We have chores to tend to, jobs to show up for, relationships to nurture. I look at these personal responsibilities as monkeys on our backs. These monkeys rightfully belong to us. It’s our job to manage them.

We take on others’ responsibilities (monkeys) as a favor or perhaps when we believe someone is in need. We’re handling our own monkeys fairly well. Why not take on a few more? Just until that person is able to take on their own monkeys again. It will be temporary, right?

Codependency

But sometimes we take on other people’s responsibilities when we want to please them. And that can lead us down the road to codependency.

When you take on other people’s monkeys in a codependent fashion, three dynamics are at play:

• You want to please that person. If you can please him/her then you can make certain (control) that they like/love you. You derive your sense of self-worth from others. If you arrange or fix things “just so,” they will be happy. When they are happy, you are happy. That’s why it’s important in your mind to control things…to keep everything light and peaceful, etc. So, it’s an easy thing (or so you think) to take on some of their monkeys.
• The other person desires to be pleased and gladly “allows” you to take their monkeys (responsibilities.)
• This dynamic of you wanting to please someone…and someone wanting to be pleased…can become a very entrenched, dysfunctional codependent pattern of behavior.

Too Many Monkeys

Bottom line: the other people may not want their monkeys back. Why would they feel this way?

• You’re doing such a good job of managing their monkeys…better than they could do themselves.
• You’ve been handling their monkeys for so long, it’s become a pattern of behavior…a way of life. Why should anything change now?
• They have frankly forgotten that they had their own monkeys to juggle in the first place. Freedom from responsibility feels good!
• The idea of having those monkeys returned to their shoulders is not a solution at all…at least not for them!

When Enough Is Enough

Give Those Monkeys Back

It’s time to learn to recognize when you have too many monkeys on your back. Figure out which monkeys to keep (a.k.a. your personal monkeys) and which ones to remove. This handout may come in handy: How To Handle Monkeys On Your Back. Give those extra monkeys (responsibilities) back to their rightful owners when you know that it’s time to release them and/or when you know you just can’t keep up under the weight of the extra monkeys any more.

It may be difficult to release those extra monkeys, especially if we’ve developed a codependent relationship with the person we are “helping.” The first step in all of this is recognizing that caring for more monkeys than you can handle is not healthy. Let me state that we are responsible for ourselves. But in general, we are not responsible for others.

Here Are Some Exceptions

There are some notable exceptions here, however. As parents, we are responsible for caring for our children until they are able to care for themselves. We also have a responsibility, I believe, to assist people who are not capable of caring for themselves or who are being abused in some way. Sometimes that help comes in the form of emotional support or seeking resources for them. It’s important to be thoughtful about ways we may want to help others without being in a codependent relationship with them.

Assertive Communication

• Assertive communication is an excellent vehicle to convey your decision to get those extra monkeys off of your back.
• Use “I” messages to state that you will no longer handle the monkeys that belong to the other person. “I” messages are assertive and respectful ways to communicate thoughts, feelings, decisions, etc. Did you notice at the beginning of this bullet point I used the phrase “will no longer handle?” Try to avoid words like “can’t, couldn’t, or shouldn’t.” Those words leave openings in the conversation for dispute and doubt. For example, if you say you “can’t” be your neighbor’s sole means of transportation any longer, you may receive a reply like, “Yes you can/could, if you really wanted to help me.” Stronger, more assertive word choices are “am, are, will or won’t.” Practicing and repeating the word “no” is also useful. Avoid elaborating on “no” with explanations. The shorter the answer, the less opportunity for discussion.
• When you assert yourself and state your intentions to release those extra monkeys, you may be met with resistance and attempts to force you or guilt you into keeping those monkeys. This is part of a concept called change-change back. When we make changes in our lives that impact others, there is a psychological pull from others (and sometimes within yourself) to change back, or remain with the status quo. Change is difficult. But if you are making positive changes, it is worth it to keep moving forward.
• If you are met with resistance, re-state your “I” message. The broken record technique can actually be helpful!
• If you are unsuccessful in your efforts to come to an agreement about the exchange of monkeys to their rightful owner, inform the other person that you are releasing their monkeys by a set time. Give them fair warning so they can make any kind of accommodations necessary. Then when the set time arrives, let those extra monkeys go.
• It may be helpful to take a look at my blog post Communication 101 for more ideas.
• Also, a gentle reminder that the handout, How To Handle Monkeys On Your Back is yours for free…and just a few clicks away!

Relationships May Change

Depending on the effect of giving back other people’s monkeys, your relationships may change with them. Some relationships may remain unchanged or they may even grow stronger. Those are healthier, more positive relationships. Other relationships, however may be damaged or broken as a result of you releasing their monkeys. Those types of relationships may be codependent in nature.

Remember that your decision to assert yourself positively has strengthened your boundary setting skills and improved your self-respect! Here’s a little video to CELEBRATE YOU!